早前﹐貝理雅接受了一個中國發展商的重金邀請﹐到了中國東莞演講剪綵。

為了一親前英國首相的寵澤﹐那些富起來了的人民﹐不惜花費幾百萬元人民幣代價，也覺得不貴﹔至於中國婦女﹐因為能夠近距離接觸，眼見明星風采，亦情不自禁大叫「貝哥真帥」。一時間﹐這位因伊拉克戰爭而聲名蒙污的前英國首相﹐成為了中國人民的新貴。畢竟﹐無論怎樣講自己如何是二十一世紀的國際新勢力﹐那個大國裡面的十三億人﹐骨子裡依然戀慕西方物質文化。

在英國方面﹐對於自己的前首相﹐來中國出席一場飯局，講幾句不痛不癢的客套話﹐便收到五十萬英鎊的酬勞﹐都覺得很可笑。《私眼》當然不會放過這個取笑貝理雅的機會。在最近一期裡面﹐雜誌便替這位前首相﹐草擬了一篇在可以中國各大城市(包括香港)發表的演講稿﹐方便貝理雅在那個遙遠的東方古國裡淘金。

那篇演講稿是這樣的﹕

Good people of (fill in name of city or administrative region).

As I was coming here tonight a taxi driver said to me, "Are you that Tony Blair? You all look the same to me." (Pause for laughter).

No, but seriously, we are all the same in the new global economy. The progress you have made in your country - and particularly in (repeat name of city or administrative region) - is an inspiration to us all.

As prime minister of Britain, I am keenly aware of how much we owe you! $200 billion at the last count! (Pause for laughter).

No, but seriously, we are looking forward to the Olympic Games...showcase for your entrepreneurial achievements...Murdoch satellite TV...jollu good thing...hi-tech...modern architecture...envy of the world...(note to self, don't mention Tiananmen Square, Tibet, human rights, global warming etc).

So, in conclusion, may I say that this wonderful new development (fill in name of shopping mall, executive flat complex, business park, nuclear power station, landfill site, student prison etc.) is the greatest Chinese achievement of all. (Wait for applause and cheque for GBP250,000).

And can I end by quoting the words of mu host who remarked that a speech by me is like a Chinese meal. Once you have had one you immediately don't want another one. (Is this right? Please check. T.B.)

當然﹐整篇演講稿﹐既踩貝理雅的貪財﹐也笑中國人的無知。一箭雙雕。

陶傑說過﹐「英語國家上台演講，要用心經營。講任何題目，都不要太抽象，至緊要包含一個引述自前人的金句，有一個故事，一個笑話，最後還要來一句自嘲。一篇好的演說，尤其在筵開三十桌的晚餐會，本身就像一個套餐。頭盤最重要，十五秒的沉默後，先用一段文采飛揚的開場白，扣住觀眾的心弦，就像一碟鵝肝醬，清雋可口。內文才是正餐，當你講到世界經濟大勢，由白宮和美國聯儲局最近的政策開始，引述三兩個數字，不要太繁複，然後以一個古人的典故做甜品，不論拿破崙或凱撒大帝，其金句在此時出籠。最後一句自嘲，只是咖啡或茶。要在觀眾口瞠目呆、期望最高的時候，戛然而止。」

想不到﹐一篇嘻笑之作﹐也如此符合這個要求和格式。